An Update on Presence, and Triathlon
Do the thing you think you can’t do. Get yourself to the start line, and commit to finishing. Give yourself permission to stop to smell the trees, and flowers and take all the sights along the way. That’s my Monday pep talk for any of you out there that need to hear it.
It’s also Pride Month, and I suppose I felt inspired to connect some stories and share some pride.
My training has been sporadic at best for the past couple of years. I had other transitions to worry about. I lost three dogs (two of mine and one of my partners) in three years. My beloved running buddy of almost 15 years went on to her next journey just five months ago. I transitioned from one job I loved to another I love even more. I also transitioned from one relationship to another, which brought me to join her in the Central Valley from the Bay Area in California, and radically change my adaptation to heat and training routines, among other things.
When I did a @wilderwomen workshop with Lauren Fleshman in 2019, she taught us about #conditionsofsatisfaction. I thought about this before my race, during, and now, a few days after. I got myself to the start and finish, and I enjoyed nature. Check, and check. I’m satisfied, and I am looking forward to more races.
I train for endurance races and triathlons because I appreciate the spiritual peace, clarity and energy I feel doing hard things. As a former soccer player, I love the community and team even if I’m training alone most of the time. I feel peace with myself when I can talk to the critical voice on my shoulder, and bring her along for the ride anyway, even when she’s having a bad day. I had moments throughout the weekend when I felt my former training buddies (Mika and Teegan) were with me. I had playlists of songs I listened to with them in their dying months/days. Teegan brought me “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” from a random bar band that was playing somewhere in the open air as I was checking into my room on Friday. For some unknown reason, that song popped into my head in my last days with her, and I sung it more than a couple of times. I cried a little remembering those moments, and then I laughed and said thank you. I knew her spirit was with me. Mika brought me “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone on the bike course and while running. I’d ask her how she was feeling in her last months as she had heart disease and cancer, and I swear she’d put this song in my head when her howls and groans weren’t clearly translatable. I felt it was her way of guiding me to be in the present moment, and that day wasn’t the day. Not yet. She also brought me “Shake it Off” by Taylor Swift (for those that aren’t yet Swifties). Mika had this uncanny ability to model letting things go. She gave me that song, playing on a stranger's speaker placed on a hill on the run course, as I was doing my last loop on my run, and going up a little rolling hill with my heart rate pounding through my ears.
At the end of the day, I was middle of the pack for my age group. I can improve my bike and run, and be a contender at future races. But that’s not the point. The point is for me to be kind to myself, to be present, to put in the work to the best of my ability with whatever life throws at me. From Ironman to Olympic, I’ll take the win for now. Tomorrow I continue to train for life, and my next race.
This was only the second triathlon “race” I’d ever done. I’d signed up for others but didn’t get to the start line for one reason or another (some valid, some just excuses I manufactured in my head, likely fear of failure or disappointing myself..me feeling I wasn’t trained enough, etc.). I did a full Ironman ten years ago, and possibly overtrained as I had no coach. I have done other running races (halfs, 10ks, etc.), cycling events of various distances, and many open water swims. I’ve battled IT Band issues and various injuries. I’ve done mock tris with various training clubs. I get in and out of good cadences of training — sometimes work, travel, life has to take priority.
Regardless of the distances I’ve done, and what I know I can do, I still feel the imposter rise within me, and I sometimes let excuses stop me from doing what I know I can do (even if I haven’t done it before). I tell myself that’s exactly why I train. Our bodies bring us a lot of places, and our head and heart usually are the ones to guide us where we really need to go. My older slightly wiser self encourages me to be kinder to myself and others. We all have our own battles, transitions, well, life. I saw some people out on the course that were struggling. Women and older men almost always have a kind word of encouragement for each other, whether we’re a lap ahead or a lap behind. I exchanged some high fives, thumbs up, and words of encouragement throughout the race.
It’s the community spirit along with the unconditional love and life force that is mother nature brings me out to compete. I also am grateful for my pack, some of whom have transitioned in a different medium, but remain my constants.
